California Dreaming (1)

In Chapter 7, part 2, TFSmith has the British attack San Francisco. As might be expected, the British are humiliatingly defeated, at the cost of three ships (Bacchante, Devastation, Hecate) and 'more than half' of the 67th Regiment. Many of the problems with this battle are common to the rest of the timeline- for instance, the beloved 'mastless chainclads' make an appearance. Instead, this series of articles focuses on the problems specific to this battle.

Strongarming Armstrong

Even in matters as specific as the establishment of British regular artillery, TFSmith makes many mistakes.

The Siege of Quebec Part II

Last time, we discussed the logistic absurdities of Grant's army advancing 70 miles in the dead of winter (or 160 miles in Van Renesslaer's case) to the British lines at Quebec. This miraculous feat of logistics takes place with precisely zero trouble for the Union, and every effort of the British inexplicably fails.

The Union arrives in front of Pt. Levis across the river from Quebec on January 18th however (and if you think that date is coincidental I have some swampland in Ontario for you to buy). They immediately begin siege operations:

After the unsuccessful attack January 22nd by Brown’s British division as Wright’s division crossed the Chaudière, the work of the regular siege began. Sherman’s troops occupied the right, starting from the river at Savage’s Cove, Ord the center, and Thomas Sherman’s the left on the Chaudiere, holding the road south to Saint Apollinaire. The XV Corps headquarters were at Ville-Guay, with divisions under Sheridan, Reynolds, and Crocker; those of the VIII Corps (VanRensselaer, Morris, and Totten) at St. Henry; and the X Corps (Wright, Brannan, Sturgis) at Charny. Wood’s cavalry corps, with divisions under Buford and Ruff, operated up the railroad toward Riviere du Loup and then into the backcountry; McCook’s XII Corps (Negley, Ammen, Turchin) held the south side of the river.

The Siege of Quebec Part I

In Chapter 15 Part 2, we come to what is evidently supposed to be the penultimate moment of triumph of the Union against Britain in the war in Canada. That is of course, the capture of the citadel of Quebec in Quebec City by Grant's Army of the Saint Lawrence.

There is of course some preamble to discuss in the campaign leading up to it.

The first section comes from Chapter 12 Part 2:

Blockade (II): Refit and Repair

At various points both in the text and marginalia of Burnished Rows of Steel, TFSmith asserts that the Royal Navy does not have enough ships to sustain a long-term blockade of the Union. In one case he makes it explicit, saying that:

The RN's strength is such that they can assemble the blockading force Milne wanted, but that takes a majority of the RN's steam frigates, corvettes, and sloops - and they cannot relieve those ships 1 for 1, for example, after however many months of sea duty on blockade (much less maintain those on the "peacetime" stations). There aren't enough ships in the RN to do so, period, end of story, even recomissioning ships in reserve.

This is quite a major claim, not least because TFSmith's blockade requirement figures are very inflated. (Milne requested about sixty-five ships, not the 106 TFSmith claims are required, and one reading of his 65 ship request is that it allows for ships to be off-station.) But the more interesting analysis is the question of relieving ships on station.

Blockade (I): Stationary Stations

One of the inevitable results of an Anglo-American war between 1776 and about 1930 is the establishment of some form of blockade of the USA. This does happen in Burnished Rows of Steel, but - as expected - the author is terribly unclear about what is going on, and when he is not simply ignoring the Royal Navy he is misrepresenting them.

Steampunk

The period from 1850 to 1870 featured a riot of invention and development in military matters, in every country with a modern military. The Union was no exception, but it is a common feature of American Exceptionalism that the Union is portrayed as the font of all technological development - even when this would involve cheating.


TFSmith's habit of rarely mentioning the type or calibre of guns makes it hard to spot where cheating is taking place – hard, but not impossible. The below is a textbook example.

The Powhatan Project (3)

In unimaginatively repackaging Alabama's career as that of the USS Powhatan, TFSmith also replicates the two battles in which Alabama engaged: the first the sinking of the USS Hatteras, and the second Alabama's own defeat against the USS Kearsarge. Unfortunately, the lazy reworking causes many problems: TFSmith either did not notice these, or did not care.

The Powhatan Project (2)

TFSmith's decision to copy and paste the Alabama's career into the Powhatan's creates a number of problems. We will explore each of these problems in turn, but before we do so please bear in mind the circumstances: Alabama historically captured 60 ships in 21 months, and Powhatan is described as catching 30 ships in 14 months. In other words, Powhatan is only 25% less effective than Alabama as a commerce raider.

The Powhatan Project (1)

This is the closing paragraph of the Dictionary of American Naval Fighting Ships’ entry on the CSS Alabama:

In her 21-month cruise to the four corners of the globe, ALABAMA wrought havoc among United States merchant shipping, taking more than 60 prizes valued at nearly $6,000,000. The most famous of the Confederate cruisers, her capture caused the Federal Navy Department to divert warships from the blockade to intercepting positions at focal points on the world's trade routes. Northern shipowners were compelled to delay sailings to pay increased maritime insurance premiums and in many cases, to transfer ships to foreign registry. ALABAMA’s exploits buoyed the morale of the South during some of its darkest days, and wrote a chapter of daring in the brief history of the Confederate States Navy.

This is TFSmith’s DANFS entry on the USS Powhatan:

In her 14-month cruise to the four corners of the globe, Powhatan wrought havoc among British merchant shipping, taking more than 30 prizes valued at nearly $3,000,000. The most famous of the American cruisers, her captures caused the Admiralty to divert warships from the blockade or convoy duty to intercepting positions at focal points on the world's trade routes, and raised many questions from members of Parliament, notably from Disraeli’s Conservatives, with ties to the City of London’s financial interests. British shipowners were compelled to delay sailings, to pay increased maritime insurance premiums, and, in many cases, to transfer ships to foreign registry. Powhatan's exploits wrote a chapter of daring in the history of the United States Navy.

Once again, a quick find-and-replace acts as a substitute for originality. However, in lazily translating the Alabama’s career to the Powhatan, TFSmith creates a vast number of flaws and errors. We will deal with some of these in a series of future articles, but one short problem may as well be pointed out here.

Powhatan’s prizes are given the same average value as Alabama’s. However, these speculative prizes include ‘a dozen fishing vessels from the Maritimes’, which amount for a third of Powhatan's total captures. These are a proxy for the sixteen whaling ships which CSS Alabama captured, which represented 25% of her overall captures. Yet even a moment's thought will show that there is almost no comparison between the two types of ship, other than in the delusions of TFSmith.

The whalers Alabama captured were often returning after several years cruising, carrying three hundred and forty, four hundred and twenty five, and even eleven hundred barrels of oil at c.33 gallons per barrel. Even if they ships carried no whalebone, and only the cheapest whale oil valued at 44.875c per gallon, their cargoes were worth between five thousand and sixteen thousand dollars. These were sums beyond even the wildest dreams of a fisherman. Moreover, the whalers themselves were much more expensive ships than fishing vessels, which were small vessels, and often built locally in the Maritimes from fast-decaying softwood. Put simply, there was considerable capital tied up in a whaling voyage, and very little in a fishing boat. Yet TFSmith deems both types of capture to be of equivalent value.

This lack of critical thought, the complete failure of the author to question whether what he is writing makes sense, permeates not just the section about the Powhatan but the entire timeline.

Riband for her pleasure

We are told-  more than once, as it happens- that:

the damage the cruisers the U.S. commissioned in the spring of 1862, many of them fast side-wheel merchant steamers, including a couple of Blue Riband holders, had been bad enough.

However, even the most cursory research- using no source other than Wikipedia- will demonstrate that this is a lie.

Irene Musi-can't

We have already seen how TFSmith didn't bother to hide his own authorial voice when providing what purports to be a text from his alternate timeline, Irene Musicant's Contested Waters: A Naval History of the Anglo-American War (HarperCollins, New York, 1995). Unfortunately, he grew too lazy to be bothered to write original text for the book. Vast sections of text are copied and pasted into chapter twenty, with the author relying on his readers to be too lazy to identify the duplication.

Unfortunately for TFSmith, as the mission statement of this blog makes clear, we do uncover this kind of cheating.

Hurry All To Sea

In the April chapter, TFSmith states:

Wilkes broke his flag aboard Boston, which joined the steam sloops San Jacinto (12) and Wachusett (10) in commission, along with six of the new screw steamers known as “90 day gunboats” – Aroostook, Chocura, Huron, Marblehead, Penobscot, and Sagamore, each with five guns – and seven of the new sidewheel “double-enders,” the Conemaugh, Genesee, Mahaska, Maratanza, Sebago, Sonoma, and Tioga, each with eight guns. Four more steam sloops under construction – Ossipee, Housatonic, Canandaigua, and Sacramento - were being converted to broadside ironclad gunboats, along the lines of Boston; in addition, two ironclad turret gunboats, Nahant and Nantucket, modeled on Ericson’s Monitor, were under construction and being rushed forward. Various merchant steamers and fast steam launches were available for conversion as well, as rams or spar torpedo boats if nothing else, and those were going ahead. In addition, a number of cruisers had set out from New England’s ports as commerce raiders, to join those already at sea; 20 of them, a mix of warships and converted merchantmen, were operating in the Atlantic by the end of the month.

Quite apart from the previously discussed issue with the incredibly fast conversion of the Boston (which has been converted in less time than it took the British to sail reinforcements across the Atlantic in BROS) the list of secondary ships has many problems.

Sloop and sloop – what is sloop?

In various places, TFSmith makes it clear he does not know what ship classes mean in the context of the Royal Navy.






First, a quick description of the real definitions.

Worthless noting

As we have seen, if TFSmith thinks the British are in danger of gaining an advantage, he quickly takes action to correct this. In most cases, this simply involves making a proportion of the British force vanish. For instance, regular British battalions discover urgent commitments at home while both the British and Canadian militia are handwaved into non-existence. Naturally, this technique is also adopted elsewhere: most of a British MP's description of the Army of the Potomac is mysteriously lost, the St Lawrence takes a brief holiday so that Union troops can attack Montreal, and the considerable levels of contemporary racism in the North seem to be missing. However, the Royal Navy is by no means immune to the effects of this phenomenon.

Flank Stupidity

Which of the two following plans seems most sensible to you?

If the fact that the British adopt plan B at Rouse's Point surprises you, then you may want to go away and read more of this blog. If it doesn't, and you'd like to understand how little sense their whole plan makes when subjected to careful thought, then you're in the right place.

Ultimatum ain't what it used to be

By no means the first error in the timeline, but one of the most entertaining, comes when TFSmith has the Union accidentally reject the British ultimatum.

Of course, he does not notice this.

Hawaii How Are You?

In Burnished Rows of Steel we learn two important things about Britain expanding its empire in this period. One is that they must raise more troops but not deploy them sufficiently. Two is that in order to carry out a campaign against the West Coast of the United States, they must occupy Hawaii.

Shenandoah your working

After several months of total inactivity in the Eastern Theatre of the Civil War, the first major engagement that takes place east of the Appalachians is the Battle of Kernstown, between “Stonewall” Jackson (CSA) and Fitz John Porter (USA).



Needless to say (for anyone who has noticed the pattern) it is a flawed battle in terms of description and execution.

Comanche bro

Again in Chapter 13 we find convenience after convenience. Firstly we discover that the Union has made an advance well beyond what they had in 1862 historically. For instance they have raised "the U.S. mobilized in the Southwest: some 4,900 from Colorado, 6,600 from New Mexico, and 1,100 each from Nevada and Utah, almost 14,000 in total." But it should strike everyone that this number seems a tad inflated.

For instance, only Nevada raised some 1,100 volunteers. But those were raised in 1863, and 1864 respectively. The infantry battalion only ever reached 3 companies! Utah by contrast didn't even muster Volunteers, instead the government trusted the Mormons so little they ordered men from California to occupy the state. Colorado it seems has just had the author take the total number of men mustered historically and put it on (without explaining where they get the weapons that allowed them to be armed in late 1862-63) while doing the same for New Mexico.

Do the Anaconda (or not)

In various points during Burnished Rows of Steel, we are told about the cancellation of some Union offensives and the pullback of others. Specifically, Port Royal is evacuated, New Orleans is cancelled and the North Carolina expedition is also cancelled.

This does not garner any actual benefit to the Confederacy or the British (who continue to act as though there are large Union garrisons in these locations requiring months of work to slowly defeat) but significantly benefits the Union.

Railroading to a conclusion

The Union army at the Battle of Rouses Point is a mystery - not just in terms of their tactics and armament, but the size of the army itself is also open to question.
At times we are told that the British are outnumbered "greater than 2 to 1", but the actual Union order of battle consists of one division (Hooker's) plus Kearny's cavalry, plus the 8th NY Militia Brigade and two regiments of NY volunteers (for perhaps 11,000 infantry, 3,000 cavalry and 1,000 artillery all told). The British, for their part, have roughly 10,000 men, and as any fule kno 15,000:10,000 is not greater than 2:1. (We are also told in a separate section that there are 12,000 regulars and volunteers, and another 3,000 militia; either way this is still 15,000 but shows a distinct disregard for consistency).



That said, the Union army is still large enough to pose a major logistical challenge to move. Surely the author has fairly reflected the difficulty of this movement?

Garbledowen

TFSmith chooses to open Chapter 3 part 1 with the lyrics to Garryowen, which he suggests to be:

Instead of port, we'll drink brown ale
And pay the reckoning on the nail

This is a rather unusual interpretation of the lyrics. Port, for those who are unfamiliar with it, is a sweet red wine which has been fortified with a grape spirit called aguardente; this makes it stronger than standard wine (c.20% ABV rather than c.12%). It was an upper class drink, popular in the London clubs, with Pitt the Younger and Sheridan boasting of their ability to drink three bottles of port in a single sitting. Brown ale, meanwhile, is a moderately strong beer of around 6% ABV, primarily drunk by the lower classes.

The actual first line should be Instead of water, we'll drink ale or Instead of spa, we'll drink brown ale
(spa, of course, being water derived from mineral springs). As for the second line, it should be And pay no reckoning on the nail. 'The reckoning' is, of course, the bill, and to pay 'on the nail' means to pay immediately.

In other words, TFSmith's version of Garryowen has the singers boasting about drinking cheap, relatively weak alcohol and paying up when they're asked to. This perhaps explains why For debt no man shall go to gaol: however, it certainly takes away some of the arrogant machismo that made Garryowen so popular in the first place.

Bamboo headsets

There are several occasions, in Burnished Rows of Steel, where the author has questionable decisions made - decisions which, on later examination, seem ludicrously implausible.

However, there is a model which may explain this approach. If we look at some examples, a pattern emerges.

Duelling Bull-joes

In Burnished Rows of Steel, we are clearly intended to understand that Britain, and by extension its Canadian colony, is an archaic, class-ridden society. This is encapsulated in the way in which the aristocrats solve their problems: through single combat. The Prince of Wales's decision to call out his father is inspired by 'Generations of breeding,' and when Wolseley rebukes Colonel McNab for the state of the Canadian militia 'The Canadian looked ready to challenge the British officer to a duel then and there'.

This is completely ahistorical: whereas duelling had died out in Britain, it was still common in America. The last fatal Canadian duels were in the 1830s; the last fatal duel in England was fought between two Frenchmen in 1852. In 1859, meanwhile, a sitting US Senator was shot and killed by the Chief Justice of the California Supreme Court. Senator Broderick clearly saw nothing wrong with accepting a challenge; three years later, when an Irish MP challenged Sir Robert Peel to a duel, Peel referred him to the Prime Minster who brought it before the House as a breach of Peel's privilege to speak freely.

Nor was Broderick's murder an isolated occurrence in American high life. TFSmith mentions Daniel Sickles' 'scandalous personal life': what he neglects to mention is that in 1859, while a Congressman, Sickles shot and killed a Washington DC district attorney who was cuckolding him - and that a jury of his peers acquitted him of the crime.

Which of these societies was the backward, violent one?

Abatis Crazy

TFSmith is evidently very confident in the ability of the Union's engineer corps to construct defences that would withstand the British, praising 'the depth of experience and engineering/artillery specialists available' to them. Unfortunately, TFSmith is clearly not an engineering specialist, because the defences he proposes defy the most fundamental rules of logic.

Thank you

I promised myself that I'd make a post when we hit an appropriate milestone, and passing 3,500 page views seems the right time. If you've taken the time to read any or all of our posts, thank you very much for doing so. Thank you also to those who have challenged our logic, or highlighted errors we have made.

This was only intended to be somewhere we could document all the serious logical and historical errors we saw in what was an exceptionally (and perhaps excessively) praised timeline. To have people reading it (other than ourselves) is more than we hoped for when we set out.

The invitation to contribute stands open: anybody and everybody who wants to critique part of the TL is more than free to do so. If you don't want to write a full article, but you've noticed a glaring mistake- or even something in the TL that just doesn't quite seem right- feel free to let us know and we'll look into it.

On behalf of all the authors, thank you again. And here's to many more posts, many more comments, and, above all, lots more eye rolling!